


Do You Have An Answer?

by scaryfangirl2001



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, keeping secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Phil needs Dan right now. He's got to make an impromptu trip to Nashville that sends his past into hyperdrive. He was a different person then. Will Dan stick by?
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Phil Lester/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Do You Have An Answer?

The two boys – one, thirty-three, and the other, nearing twenty-nine – are sitting on their couch in their new flat in England. Their long legs are stretched out and tangled in the others', reaching up a little past the knees. The boys don't mind. They've been best friends for the past eight years. They are on their laptops, with their special mugs at the side of the table. Dan has a hot cocoa blend in his Shiba cup, while Phil has the remnants of his Starbucks trip coffee in his iconic daddy cup. Dan, of course, is scrolling through Tumblr, while Phil is searching through his family's pages on Facebook.

Things have come to a standstill lately, as they finally have some free time for the following two weeks – before their hectic schedule picks up again. Instead of heading to an amusement park or traveling, Dan and Phil have agreed to spend their time off just relaxing at the flat. There is a comfortable silence echoing through the lounge – until Phil comes across a certain page. He freezes, though Dan isn't concerned. Sure, he notices, but Phil is sensitive and may have just read some story on a shelter animal. A few minutes later, Phil is still on the same page scrolling through lots of comments. He clicks on the bottom and spews out one long and emotional paragraph. Dan raises an eyebrow.

"Will you take me to Tennessee?"

Dan stops, mid-sip. "In America? Phil, why do y-"

"Dan," He responds with much more severity. "Will you take me to Tennessee?"

A little scared now, Dan sets his cup down and detangles his legs. Phil uses this time to shut down his computer and put it aside. Dan inches closer as Phil swings his legs off.

"Sure. When do you need to go?"

"Now."

"O-Okay. C'mon, let's get packed."

Phil nods curtly. He allows Dan to help his off the couch and is thankful when Dan says nothing about him shaking. The two find suitcases in the hall closet from the tour. Phil quickly grabs a handful of shirts and skinny jeans, dropping Lion and his passport on top. Dan's suitcase is similar, but with a video camera rather than a toy lion. He also grabs their necessities from the bathroom, as it seems Phil's forgotten. When he makes it back to the lounge, Phil is packed and dressed like Dan – but somehow in even more black. He is also wearing sunglasses despite it being a dreary day, and he is clutching onto Lion with his free hand.

"Phil, are you-"

"Cab's here." He remarks quietly.

In a worrisome silence, the two boys climb into the taxi and ride to the airport. After paying their fare and grabbing their luggage, they make it through security and finally board the plane to Nashville, Tennessee. On the flight, the silence grows thicker, and Dan is unable to sleep. Phil is the one who would usually be out like a light thirty minutes after takeoff, but he looks positively terrified, clutching onto Lion as if for safety. It dawns on Dan that Phil hadn't taken his medication for flying. He flags down a flight attendant for help.

"Here, Phil. Take these. It'll make you calmer."

Phil shakes his head, dismissing the helpful hand. Dan sighs.

"I know you don't like the medicine, but it will help you. Phil, please?"

Phil glances at his best friend, eyes glossy. He opens his mouth with a nod, and Dan places the pill on his flatmate's tongue. It darts back into his mouth, but it remains open. Dan grabs the cup of water given to him, and he pours some into Phil's mouth to help him swallow. While Phil takes the pill, Dan realizes his best friend's fists are clenched – one around Lion and the other attached to the seat. There is another bout of silence before Phil breaks it in an eerie deadpan.

"Nashville is where I said I would commit suicide." His eyes remain shut, head leaning against the drawn window.

"Phil?" Dan questions worriedly.

"With the perfect view of the Grand Ole Opry. My grandmum loved that place." He opens his eyes to reveal a slightly hardened gawk. "She always joked about accompanying the Queen to meet the King."

"Phil?" Dan asks again, this time catching Phil's gaze. "Why are we going to Tennessee?"

"I'm going to see a friend." He responds after a long pause.

"A friend?" Dan asks tentatively. "A boy? Girl?"

"Malcolm." He replies with a shudder.

"Why are we going if you don't like him?"

Phil's head suddenly swivels his head around, glaring harshly and invading Dan's space. The younger boy's eyes widen in alarm, leaning back but only finding Phil follow him.

"I love him. He was my best friend growing up. For the longest, he was my only friend. If you are referring to that little twitch I had while saying his name, it simply brought along a bad memory, hence the reason we are visiting him. Do not read into things you do not understand, Daniel."

Dan gulps audibly and shrinks in his seat. Phil sighs and situates himself back in his seat. He closes his eyes and regulates his breathing. Finally, a few hours after, his hands become unclenched and he sets Lion in his lap. He glances over to Dan, whose eyes are downcast, guiltily staring at his twiddling thumbs. Phil carefully reaches over and places a hand over them. Dan jumps a tad and cautiously meets his friend's eyes. He relaxes seeing the concern in his eyes rather than anger or annoyance.

"I'm sorry, Dan. I was just dealing with a lot of emotions and I just unloaded them all onto you. I loved Malcolm. We had a fight when he got married. I remember that. Wasn't too long ago, in fact. 2010."

"Why'd you have a fight?"

"He was getting married to a guy."

"And?" Dan knows there has to be more to the story. Phil is about the least judgmental person he knows.

"He told me he was straight. He said that being gay was just a thing of being a teenager and he'd grown out of it."

"I'm missing something, aren't I? We still have an hour or so, you know."

Phil sighs but finds Dan's full attention. "Alright. Just, please, keep it to yourself, alright?" He pleads.

Dan puts his free hand over Phil's. "I will. I promise."

Phil nods. "I've known Malcolm since we met at the park when I was seven and he was five. Neither of us really had any friends. We still didn't when I was fifteen and he was thirteen. We were just in our own world, you know? We hung out and sometimes made videos with some other people we called our friends. But they weren't really. We went to arcades and stuff. Then once we were skating. It was pretty late and there weren't many people around and we tripped. I landed on him and our lips met." Phil pauses with a sigh.

Dan is listening intently. "So he was your first kiss?"

Phil smiles sadly. He is happy Dan isn't acting disgusted about his first kiss being with a boy no matter how accidental. He continues. "Well, he made it into a kiss and then stopped but I kept it going. He had to go away the next day to camp, so I spent that summer working on my video game. You know the one. Well, when he came back, I was in love with him. I mean, I basically shipped the two of us through the game. Under different names. So we sorta dated. We went places together, held hands, shared food. We kissed a few times. Then when I was seventeen and he was fifteen, we…"

He trails off, looking downward as if embarrassed to be telling his best friend. Dan simply smiles, urging Phil to finish. There is no judgment.

"We had sex. It just happened when I took him to prom. He was my first. Then we kept it up when I was eighteen and he was sixteen, and when I was nineteen and he was seventeen. I was making my Youtube videos then and he'd help sometimes, but he didn't want to get in front of the camera. He was still getting bullied at school for having a boyfriend, and I tried to help him best I could." Phil lets a few tears fall.

"Then I was twenty and he was eighteen and I felt him kinda leaving me out of things. Then it was a little before I turned twenty-one and he would've been nineteen, and we were still in my bed, and he asked me when I was going to give up on being gay. He told me it was a teenager phase and now he's straight. We had a fight about it and broke up."

Phil's breath hitches, but Dan is still listening. There is a bit of judgment in his eyes, but it is aimed toward Malcolm, not his friend. This wills Phil to continue.

"So, years later, in 2010. I was twenty-three, you know. He was twenty-one almost. We hadn't talked since our particularly harsh fight for over two years. He sends out an invitation to my mum's house, inviting me. Well, there was a plus one and I thought about inviting you, I admit. I ended up using the plus one on Martyn, who didn't like Malcolm since they had problems when I was doing Youtube. Of course, you were my only friend at that time…" He trails off for a moment.

"Anyway, we went to the wedding. We met his fiancé Denver, this guy in a garage band. There was a fight break out and I stopped any physical damage. We stopped talking for another three years. Two and a half, more like. I was just twenty-six. We, me and you, were living together at that time. Malcolm and Denver invited me over to meet their new adopted daughter. Molina. She was just barely two. I told you I was going out with some friends from University and I went to Manchester. I told Malcolm I didn't trust Denver, and it got ugly. He said I just couldn't deal with my own sexual problems and I was taking it out on him, and I did something horrible."

Phil stops and stares at their intertwined fingers. He lets out a shuddered breath, holding back further tears. Dan sighs and tries to find his friend's gaze.

"I know you, Phil. And I'm learning more about you. But I know whatever you did isn't as bad as you're making it seem. Tell me."

Dan's voice is so calm and collected. He is level and Phil nods. He keeps his eyes shut and squeezes Dan's hand a tad. "I kissed him. I just turned around, grabbed his face, and kissed him. Then Denver came in and…. He slapped Malcolm and threw me against the wall, and… something else might've happened if Molina hadn't toddled into the room. Some hasty words were thrown in the air, and I left."

"Wow. Okay, um, that's, uh, that's kinda bad, but I can see you had good reason." Dan tries, with his eyes a bit wider as the extra information.

"Thanks." Phil gives his friend a small smile. "There was no good reason for kissing your former boyfriend in his new house with his kid and husband in the next room. Nice try."

Dan smiles back sheepishly. "So that's the last you've seen him? Your kiss-fight four years ago?"

Phil's smile slips away, being replaced by a solemn frown. "Yeah. I cut off all ties with them after that. You know when I was so obsessed about covering things in stickers? That was something stupid Malcolm and I used to do. I was depressed and needed to do something to take my mind off what I'd done."

"You were depressed?" Dan asks, almost heartbroken. "And I didn't know? I feel like such a bad friend."

"Don't, Dan. Please. Don't."

The seatbelt sign lights up as the plane begins to descend. The story has given them just enough time to arrive. Phil is a lot less hostile, but he is beginning to slip into another depression. Dan is worried about his friend and what all they are about to experience. Still, one little thought continues to play on Dan's mind.

"Phil?" His friend turns, again clutching Lion but not as tight. "Why did we just fly to Tennessee?"

"We're here for Malcolm's funeral."


End file.
